"Life is pain, Highness..."

that's one of the most quoted phrases {i think} from the movie The Princess Bride. it also happens to be one of my all-time favorite movies.


and that one little phrase is oh-so-very true, wouldn't you agree?

my own "life is pain" issue has come to the fore of my mind once again--my seeming inability to conceive another child. i suppose it's due, in part, to the fact that my sister-in-law recently announced that their 6th baby is on the way. i am truly happy for them. it just happens to be a reminder of how much i've wanted more babies that God hasn't, for His {as-of-yet unknown} purposes, given us.

i do believe with my entire being that it was part of His divine plan for us to adopt. and we did! cj is a true member of our family...no matter that i didn't carry him in my womb or give birth to him. he is ours and we are his. but financially, another adoption {like cj's} is not an option for us right now. so my wanting another baby at this point is seemingly pointless unless i'm crazy or i believe in miracles. well, sometimes i do think i am crazy--or on my way there, but i don't think that's why i hope. my hope is in a God who has proven time and again to me that miracles can and do happen. but if i've learned one thing from the past 8+ years dealing with infertility, it's that having faith that God can, doesn't mean that He will.

it's now been over 10 years since i gave birth to bubba. i cherish the memories i have of my one and only pregnancy. i feel blessed, as an adoptive mom, to have a "birth story" to share with other moms. and yet, deep in my soul, is a place of agonizing pain. a place of grieving.

i still feel like Humpty Dumpty after he fell off the wall--all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put him together again.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again!

in 2002, the attempt at having my fertility "put back together" began. i saw doctors and specialists, took a variety of different fertility meds, and endured 3 {or was it 4?} cycles of IUI. of course, i can't ignore the fact that my husband played a huge part in the attempt. it was his faith in God and his love and support of me {even at my worst, most emotional times} that got me through the many ups and downs.

despite all our efforts and wonderful intentions, God said "no."

to my prayer for another child-of-my-womb, that answer was the most painful thing i've ever experienced.

and the diagnosis? "unexplained secondary infertility."

unexplained?!

that's right. there's no reason that they could find. i don't have any explanation to cling to or remind myself of when this terrible desire rears its ugly head up and roars {like it so often does}.

so i find myself still hoping. a hope which inevitably leads to more pain.

i remember when the RE {reproductive endocrinologist} told me at my last IUI, that if it didn't work, his only guess was that there might be a problem with my eggs. and only by going to the next, more costly option of IVF, could that be determined. T felt strongly against doing IVF {its too unnatural for him and i respect that he feels that way}. besides that, we had already spent as much as we could on medical doctors {and our insurance sure wouldn't cover it}, so we instead began the process to adopt that brought cj into our hearts and home.

now i suddenly find myself back on that same road i was walking so long ago. i hate this road. it's such a hard, rocky road, with hills so high they're like mountains and valleys that are like deep ravines you fall into. yet, here i am again. what happened to my nice paved path? it only had a few little bumps here and there, otherwise it was level and easy to travel along. where did it go? did i somehow make a wrong turn? nope. my easy path seems to have merged once again with this more difficult one and i've no choice but to go forward.

to hope.
to pray.
to be aware of God's presence with me.
to hurt and not be ashamed.
to cry.
to love.

Happy Adoption Day, Baby!

Two years ago today was the day that little CJ became "officially" our son. He was a part of our family pretty much ever since his birth, but it wasn't until we went to court on July 17, 2007 that we were legally bound together as his forever family. It is a day I'll never forget. I'm so thankful to celebrate this second anniversary of that special day. Happy Adoption Day, Baby! We love you and are so thankful that God chose us to be your family through adoption.

07.17.2007 It's official! We are CJ's family now and forever.

"I prayed for this child, and GOD gave me what I asked for."
1 Samuel 1:27 (MSG)

"indentifying information"

adoption has been on my mind and heart a lot lately. it's evidently something i think about more often than i actually realize. i suppose it's partly due to the fact that i've experienced this miracle myself and partly because i know so many others who have also adopted and/or are currently in the adoption process. reading blogs by other adoptive parents is always such a blessing to me. and yes, more often than not, the tears flow freely when i learn of the joys and trials that other adoptive parents experience.

today's pondering:
it's interesting how the adoption experience has affected me in so many different ways i would not have guessed. take for example, how i blog. as a mom, i like to write about my kids and share the fun we have as a family, but i find that how i write my posts is directly affected by my adoptive experience. you see, even early in our adoption process, we were told to be careful not to share any "identifying information" {like in our picture profile} until the time came when an agreement would be made to make the adoption fully open. for us, that day never came. our baby's birthparents chose to keep our adoption closed--no identifying information would be shared and no contact would be made between us and them. when he turns 18, cj may choose to seek a meeting with his birthparents and our adoption agency will hopefully be able to facilitate that meeting if he desires it. in the meantime, i send scheduled updates to the agency per the agency's suggestion...just in case someday his birthparents want to see how he's doing. because of the adoption process and these updates, i have learned to be extra-careful with our names, location, and other information that might be clues as to who we are or where we live.

so when i started blogging, it was natural for me to not use my full name. i have chosen not to use my hubby's or kids' real names either. instead, i refer to them by their nicknames or initials. i know who i'm writing about and for me that's what really matters. early on, i had a comment about this--that the nicknames were just a tad confusing {written by an individual who knows and loves us}. i think perhaps that's why i'm writing about this today. i would like to feel comfortable using all our real names too, but i'm not, so i don't.

i have read many different blogs. and i see a whole realm of variety when it comes to the use of indentifying information. some people have no problem sharing everything--their full names, location, birthdates, or whatever! others prefer complete anonymity and work to write without any indentifiers. i think ultimately, it just depends on the blogger {their personality, circumstances, etc.} and their purpose in blogging {to share tidbits with family & friends, as an online journal, or a place to vent or speak out}.

for me, this blog is my online "journal" of sorts and my other blog is where i share with family and friends fun stuff that's happening or just whatever's on my mind at the time.

another quote, another thought...

Time and experience have taught me a priceless lesson: Any child you take for your own becomes your own if you give of yourself to that child. I have born two children and had seven others by adoption, and they are all my children, equally beloved and precious.
-Dale Evans

i love hearing about other families who have adopted. each story is uniquely special.

God is so good to bring families together like this! and i'm so thankful that because of His love for each of us, He adopts us into His family as His children when we accept His gift of grace.

the language of adoption

Natural Child: Any child who is not artificial.
Real Parent: Any parent who is not imaginary.
Your Own Child: Any child who is not someone else's child.
Adopted Child: A natural child, with a real parent, who is all my own.

~Rita Laws, PhD.

i like looking for good quotes. this one struck my fancy as it is about adoption and really makes a statement about the language we use about adoption. in my adoption experience, i have learned that the language of adoption is slowly changing: most birth parents don't "give up" their babies. rather, they make an adoption plan for their child. adoptive parents are just as much the child's real parents as are the child's birth parents. biological children are children who share your genetic code. so in my case, i might say that i have a biological son who is 9 and an adopted son who is 2. of course, both boys are 100% MINE (or rather, to be fair, ours since my husband is very much a part of this family!)

here's an adoption creed i really love because it also tells how i feel:

not flesh of my flesh
nor bone of my bone,
but still miraculously my own.
never forget for a single minute,
that you grew not under my heart,
but in it.

being both a bio mom and an adoptive mom is such a joy and a privilege. in many ways i know i'm blessed to have "the best of both worlds" so to speak. and i'm so thankful for both my boys. it matters not a bit to me that i only birthed one of them. when our youngest was about 3 months old, i had a friend from church ask me if i felt the same toward him as my eldest. i knew what she wanted to know was if i loved my new baby as much as i loved his big brother when he was a baby. i think she was also curious as to how it feels to be an adoptive mom. my answer was and still is "there are days i seriously forget i didn't give birth to him!" it's true! that's how i love him...it makes no difference how he came to be part of our family. yes, he has a birth family and some day he might even get to know them too.

but this fact remains regardless: he is and always will be my son.