"Life is pain, Highness..."

that's one of the most quoted phrases {i think} from the movie The Princess Bride. it also happens to be one of my all-time favorite movies.


and that one little phrase is oh-so-very true, wouldn't you agree?

my own "life is pain" issue has come to the fore of my mind once again--my seeming inability to conceive another child. i suppose it's due, in part, to the fact that my sister-in-law recently announced that their 6th baby is on the way. i am truly happy for them. it just happens to be a reminder of how much i've wanted more babies that God hasn't, for His {as-of-yet unknown} purposes, given us.

i do believe with my entire being that it was part of His divine plan for us to adopt. and we did! cj is a true member of our family...no matter that i didn't carry him in my womb or give birth to him. he is ours and we are his. but financially, another adoption {like cj's} is not an option for us right now. so my wanting another baby at this point is seemingly pointless unless i'm crazy or i believe in miracles. well, sometimes i do think i am crazy--or on my way there, but i don't think that's why i hope. my hope is in a God who has proven time and again to me that miracles can and do happen. but if i've learned one thing from the past 8+ years dealing with infertility, it's that having faith that God can, doesn't mean that He will.

it's now been over 10 years since i gave birth to bubba. i cherish the memories i have of my one and only pregnancy. i feel blessed, as an adoptive mom, to have a "birth story" to share with other moms. and yet, deep in my soul, is a place of agonizing pain. a place of grieving.

i still feel like Humpty Dumpty after he fell off the wall--all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put him together again.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again!

in 2002, the attempt at having my fertility "put back together" began. i saw doctors and specialists, took a variety of different fertility meds, and endured 3 {or was it 4?} cycles of IUI. of course, i can't ignore the fact that my husband played a huge part in the attempt. it was his faith in God and his love and support of me {even at my worst, most emotional times} that got me through the many ups and downs.

despite all our efforts and wonderful intentions, God said "no."

to my prayer for another child-of-my-womb, that answer was the most painful thing i've ever experienced.

and the diagnosis? "unexplained secondary infertility."

unexplained?!

that's right. there's no reason that they could find. i don't have any explanation to cling to or remind myself of when this terrible desire rears its ugly head up and roars {like it so often does}.

so i find myself still hoping. a hope which inevitably leads to more pain.

i remember when the RE {reproductive endocrinologist} told me at my last IUI, that if it didn't work, his only guess was that there might be a problem with my eggs. and only by going to the next, more costly option of IVF, could that be determined. T felt strongly against doing IVF {its too unnatural for him and i respect that he feels that way}. besides that, we had already spent as much as we could on medical doctors {and our insurance sure wouldn't cover it}, so we instead began the process to adopt that brought cj into our hearts and home.

now i suddenly find myself back on that same road i was walking so long ago. i hate this road. it's such a hard, rocky road, with hills so high they're like mountains and valleys that are like deep ravines you fall into. yet, here i am again. what happened to my nice paved path? it only had a few little bumps here and there, otherwise it was level and easy to travel along. where did it go? did i somehow make a wrong turn? nope. my easy path seems to have merged once again with this more difficult one and i've no choice but to go forward.

to hope.
to pray.
to be aware of God's presence with me.
to hurt and not be ashamed.
to cry.
to love.

another {parenting} adventure

it was an interesting afternoon.

i took cj to see our family chiropractor today. both T and i had been in earlier this week for adjustments, and i took the opportunity to ask a few key questions about cj while we were there. {he doesnt' sleep well and he doesn't eat healthy foods...specifically any fresh fruit or veggies.} the chiropractor suggested i bring him back for his own appointment. so i scheduled it for today.

i was a little uncertain about bringing a 3-year-old in for an adjustment, but i've heard others talk of having their children in for adjustments so i went ahead to see what, if anything, could be done to help him sleep better and eat right.

ultimately, my baby boy was in need of multiple adjustments. he did so well! {mommy did too!} he just looked at me like "what is going on here?" but didn't cry or act scared at all. the chiropractor also recommended some supplements: a wholefood-derived multivitamin and calcium.

so we now have new chewable multivitamins that we'll start giving him in a couple days. {bye bye flintstones chewables!} and as for the calcium, the rest of us try to take it regularly already, so i just need to figure out a way to get him to ingest it too.

i'm hoping and praying that the adjustments will help him sleep better, and that he'll start to realize that fruit and veggies are actually quite good tasting! if i don't see improvement in a week, the chiropractor asked that i bring him back.

i really hope i don't have to.

Monday's Musing

Music has long been an important part of my life. I've played piano, taking lessons from 3rd grade through high school. I sang in the school choir and at church. In junior high, I learned how to play clarinet, but couldn't fit band into my high school schedule and quit playing it. I've taught myself a little guitar and most recently a little mandolin as well. I love music. I love how it can really speak to one's soul. But lately, I've found that music {at least when it comes to just listening to songs on the radio or my old cds} doesn't give me the same soul satisfaction that it used to. I can remember playing CDs and dancing with Bubba when he was a baby. And we still do stuff like that. Just not as often. We listen to The Message radio channel {SiriusXM} in our van. And I enjoy it. But in my home, I don't listen to CDs like I used to.

Perhaps I've just gotten bored with my old CDs. Perhaps the difficulty of secondary infertility has somehow changed how I feel about music. Whatever the reason, no music has really sparked my interest or screamed "Buy me!" for a very long time. Not until last Friday that is.

That's when I heard a song on The Message that struck a chord in my soul. I absolutely LOVED it! It's called "Your Hands" by JJ Heller. I'd never heard any of her songs before this. This song was so beautiful and the lyrics were so real. If you're interested, you can hear it here on JJ's myspace page. I highly recommend it.

Hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

Twilight knitting

I'm currently knitting myself a pair of mittens. They're sort of like Bella's mittens in the movie Twilight. I just recently finished reading the saga, and LOVED it! Note: I realize these books are written for teen girls, and I have to just say that I really wouldn't recommend them to pre-teen or teens. But just like the Harry Potter books (that I also don't think are appropriate for kids), I (as an adult reader) really enjoyed the story the author has written. A Ravelry member {and Twilight fan} saw Bella wearing a pair of gray mittens in the movie and wrote a pattern which the rest of us fans get to use in order to make some for ourselves. I've actually made quite a few alterations to the pattern because my gauge was different and I didn't want them coming so far up my arms. I used Ann Budd's formula for changing a pattern to work with a different gauge. Pretty neat stuff. And worked wonderfully! My mittens are going to be a rich red color since that's what I had in my stash. I like that it sort of goes with the red from the book covers. These mittens are gonna be warm and cozy. If I can get the second mitten done, I might even get to use them before it warms up too much! It was 40 degrees here today. Spring is in the air, snow is melting, but since it is only March 7th we're most likely not through with winter weather quite yet.

UPDATE: finished the mittens today {monday 3.8.10} so here's a photo!

Ravelympic Finish

the Ravelympics are done now that the Olympics are. it was a fun 17 days and i've completed more projects than i had first anticipated.

so just how many projects did i finish? 5
2 pairs of Fetching mitts (i really like the pattern!)
1 Darkside cowl in toddler size
1 Nest Tote market bag
1 Luna Lovegood crochet scarf

the bonus {for me} is that i've also got one more project that i sort of planned to do for the Ravelympics until i started working on it and realized it would take me too long. it's a beautiful scarf in Malabrigo lace yarn. the pattern i'm using also required that i learn how to ktbl and ptbl {that's knitting and purling thru the back loops}. so i got a new technique bonus as well!



it's such soft yarn and makes a delicately soft fabric, but the yarn is so skinny that i'm finding it much more difficult to knit with. i do like the way the colors are pooling. it's interesting. so this is one project i'm happy to have started {even though it didn't get to cross the finish line!} and will just have to keep working on it until it's done.